Soul Cairn, what's a Soul Cairn?

The journal details the ingredients necessary to add together with Serana's blood to open a gate to the Soul Cairn. Luckily, I think I found all these ingredients in the mother's alchemy workshop. I think. I managed to have them all anyways. In case you want to make sure they are stocked up, they are:
• Soul Gem Shards
• Finely ground Bone meal
• Purified Void Salts

So the journal tells Lloth and Serana how to enter the soul cairn, a magic wonderland where you go when you get soul trapped into a soul gem! Awesome! Hey... wait, does this mean all those bandits I sucked into black soul gems are going to be there... well that sounds... pleasant. Let's go visit this magical place!

(as an aside, if you are not already a vampire, the soul cairn will not let you in. It will hurt you. You can choose to be soul trapped to get inside, or turn into a vampire.)

More like wander aimlessly moaning to anyone who happens by. One of these unlucky fools is talking to me about his horse. Yeah yeah your horse. That's cool. Whatever. We have a mom to find. Sure, I'll take on your quest in case I run into anything.

Upon making our way across this weird, vast landscape, I notice there are little fissures that you can harvest souls from, and soul husks you can collect. (The soul husks are for the players who are NOT vampires playing the game, as mentioned before, there are some overlapping quests which are extremely similar even in dialogue, and you have to go through the same steps. Vampires can enter the Soul Cairn without issues. Mortals have to be sent there via soul trap, and I think this causes a wearing effect on the person? I would have to start yet another character there and find out, because even the Dawnguard character became a vampire just to make this part easier).

Upon finding Serana's mother, she tells us we have to kill three large keepers, so that the forcefield can be dropped that prevents us from coming into her area. Awesome. On the way to kill these keepers, I find something strange... hey! It's a horse skull!

If you return the horse skull to the whiny soul who lost him, you can then call and ride the horse. The wacky Soul Cairn ghosty horse. GHOSTY HORSE FTW!

and it's like, on fire, with magic, or something.

This makes traversing the Soul Cairn a lot easier because there is absolutely no fast travel there. I'm not saying its a vast expanse, but it is big enough to be annoying.

Valerica explains that the people in charge of the soul cairn had tricked her... she was stuck there because she thought she could strike a bargain with them, seeing as how she was giving them a steady stream of souls to satisfy their hunger... but it wasn't enough...

Each of the Keepers proved to be a decent, but not harrowing fight. (level 32 Vampire Lord Dark Elf skilled in one handed, Level 45 Breton skilled in two-handed, both with high magicka were attempted. This may prove more challenging in a different character set). Keepers come with some decent loot, as do the ashes of the minions (skeletons/Draugr of varying types, called Bonemen, Mistmen, and Wrathmen).

Then, shit gets real.

Upon our return to the area where Serana's mother is secluded, called the Boneyard, she mentions something about a dragon who is the overseer of sorts of this realm. He will be investigating soon, she surmises. Yep, as luck would have it, suddenly there appears this mighty dragon.

Durnehviir, as he is called, proves to be a fierce and mighty dragon, but as is with most dragons (at this level) he isn't impossible. The worst is trying to keep up with the wrathmen and bonemen, Durnehvir himself, and the mass chaos of it all at the same time. When victory is yours, he vanishes. But not for long...

So now you get the Elder Scroll you need and don't forget to Bogart her entire stash of alchemical ingredients (she totally doesn't care, dude). There's even an alchemy lab you can use right there (sweet dude!)

When you leave the Boneyard, you hear a mighty sound, and out of the sky plops Durnehviir. But he begs a conversation of you. He compliments your skills in battle, as you are the first person to ever best him in combat. He offers you a chance to call him to fight alongside you, to occasionally escape the dreariness that is the Soul Cairn. He can't really ever leave forever, but giving you a shout to call him to battle, he can at least get away from the old ball and chain. Turns out those pesky people in charge of the soul cairn like to fuck with necromancers AND dragons. He was told he could leave when he killed Valerica... who isn't even mortal. Tricksters.

Sure, I can do that...

There are a few other side quests to be completed in the soul cairn if one is so inclined... but I just decided to run the fuck out of there after getting that elder scroll. I need to get that Moth Priest to read it for me.

Upon returning to the Castle, I am shocked to find out my vampire thrall, my Moth Priest, fell victim to too much mastrubation... I mean reading the Elder Scrolls without "properly preparing himself" *cough* and is suddenly SUPER BLIND.

Well now what the fuck?

He offers the helpful advice that if the Elder Scrolls didn't want to be found they wouldn't be, and it is their will to be found and read. He suggests I can do in an afternoon what priests like himself spend years doing... well he suggests I go somewhere and read this stuff in a swirl of magic surrounded by Moths. I am not making this shit up.

So onward... to the Ancestor Glade.

I WILL SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL!

Have I mentioned that being a Vampire Lord gives you the ability to suck the life force out of people, thereby killing them and replenishing yours? BAD ASSERY

There's an entire hierarchy of Vampire perks and a new skill tree for them all, which I will try to detail in a later post.

But right out of the gate, if you are "hovering" you get a spell that drains life, and on your right hand, one to reanimate dead bodies. When you are not hovering, your attacks are melee and your fierce vampire claws apparently rip flesh with the best werewolf...

So the castle has plenty of amenities... a dungeon full of people to randomly dine on, vampires munching on people chained to tables who moan when you talk to them, and pretty pretty puppies! Aw who's a good hellhound? You want a treat? You want a femur from this unfortunate alchemist? Good Boy!

Luckily there's enchanting tables and alchemy labs around for my intents and purposes. And a blacksmith area. I take to refining that crossbow and enchanting it with fire damage. Harkon of course can't leave me to my own devices: he wants me to...
Fill. This. Cup.
With red water.
From a Skooma den.
Fuck. Ok. SOunds easy enough. Now there's probably many ways to try this. I tried talking calmly, then I got rushed, and surprisingly, I died in the process. So when I reloaded... I went stealth on their asses. And I robbed each one of those criminals and drug addicts blind. Then I snuck up on the two traitor vampires who were going to interfere with Harkon's plan to attempt to gain control of the Vampire Lord Kingdom. Shit, these fuckers have a lot of political bullshit. Is this Vampire Election year?
Thank you trusty crossbow that I just improved and enchanted. Those backstabbing fucks didn't stand a chance with me sneaking up on them.
Meanwhile Lydia got bored and stopped waiting for me wherever I had left her. Good riddance. Because after I take back this cup, Serana is going to come travelling with me. Sweet. Super vampire team! And we are going to go find an elder scroll! From...
Fuck. Her mom. We're looking for mommy.

And every time I sneak she likes to creep in the sides of the screen.
Well we have to sneak out in the garden and see what we might find out there. Apparently it was her mom's favorite place before she disappeared and Serana's parents started hating each other's fucking guts.
We observe the sundial is amiss, and start to putting it back together again. Voila! It becomes a staircase, going into the castle ruins. There's much to fight with, skeletons, a feral vampire, gargoyles. We meander through everything, fighting our way there, and come to her mother's secret lab. Oooo secret lab! There's lots of alchemical ingredients here and... a journal.
So what could it contain?

Lloth, Dark Elf Vampire, is going to give this a go...

It's taken a while to update, because I was pretty enthralled with this vampire business. So in using my Dark Elf, whom happens to be a vampire, I realize a few things:

 1. These Dawnguard shits are stupid as fuck. I got the vampire eyes, shitheads. You should kill me on sight.
2. A few of these quests are the same for either side. More on that, later.
3. Serana has some serious parental issues.
4. I WILL MURDER THE SUN! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

 Standing in Fort Dawnguard is kind of interesting. My words are saying "Sure, I'll help you kill vampires" and my eyes are saying "I will drink your blood as soon as you sleep." But hey, free crossbow. The point at which the stories split are in the castle, when you're like "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES, MAKE ME A VAMPIRE LORD."

 I awaken in a room where Harkon is staring at me in a way that makes me wonder if I just got bit, or gang raped. I am thinking gang rape couldn't be half bad if I was at least passed out for it. I mean these are vampires, and it is a video game so the psychological damage is minimal. Harkon goes through explaining some of how being a vampire lord works... yeah yeah yeah, I just wanna go kill some people in this new, BAD ASS form.

Great, just wait 'til the fines start rolling in...

Kharjo, we gotta clean up this mess before someone gets pissed.

"You are taking us somewhere warm I trust? Also, you are right about the bones. Very white trashy. Falkreathians will not be pleased."

Does anyone offer bone removal in the Skyrim Yellow Pages?

Well fuck it, let's go kill some vampires.

After that whole dragon skeleton debacle and the increased white trashiness of the yard, Kharjo and I decide to go off in search of this elusive Fort Dawnguard. I'm happily following my compass. I'm expecting great things. A magnificent view. We come to...

A hole in the wall? Literally a hole in this rockface. We soldier on. As we emerge on the other side, I notice another weird guy up ahead on the trail. His name is Agmaer and he is a giant pussy. He's afraid to go to the castle alone. Ohhhh poor baby! He follows us in, and we find our way up to the castle, stopping to talk to some Dawnguard on the way in. Once we get to the head honcho, he sizes me up, decides I'm fit for the job, and... Tells me to go check out a cave. Dimhollow Crypt. Well I've already gone into enough holes-in-rock-walls today, so why the fuck not? He gives me a crossbow and marks it on my map. Fuck yeah crossbow!

Meanwhile, the leader, Isran, starts asking wimpy behind me why he is skulking in the shadows. I guess he needs training. He doesn't get an assignment, but dammit, he gets a crossbow too. Just when I was starting to feel special...

Kharjo is totally ok with not having his own crossbow, and me, with my level 100 smithing (because I am apparently nuts for smithing), decides to go improve this crossbow and immediately enchant it. With fire damage. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Vampires HATE fire. Yes. This is going to work out ver nicely. Even better is the fact that archery skills count towards the crossbow, as do the enchantments on that funky Copper and Onyx circlet I have on my head. It's pretty, and it makes me shoot better!

I'll make one for Kharjo. When I find another one. I will. I'm good to the kitty. I keep him well armed.

When we arrive at Dimhollow Crypt (hole-in-the-wall) we find inside some ok loot, some unruly vampires, and... a puzzle. I went through the majority of it sneaking up on vampires and killing them with the crossbow in sneak mode. Hey, this vampire armor is sexy! Look at me! My Breton is wearing this stuff, and as strange and nonsensical as it seems, her boob tops show. (Husband says something to the tune of "oh yeah, video game boobs!") It comes in red, black and... 50 shades of gray. SOme of it's enchanted. Some is not. All can be improved with leather and enchanted if you have the skill. YES. Boobies AND health bonus! Or Destruction bonus! Husband is excited because this means more video game boobies, and more fire spells.

(Not my character, a google search result)

Once I figure out this weird fire pedestal puzzle, the floor falls away to reveal, a vampire, in some sort of monolith/sarcophagus. Oh and she's been in there forever. Like, no idea how long but everything that seems to be the history of the damned Elder Scrolls series is a mystery to her. Oh, and she wants to go home. Questioning her about the Elder Scroll on her back renders nothing. She's also not forthcoming with information about herself... or... anything. Thanks Pasty McVague, I get it, you're a vampire and you wanna go home to your daddy that you're fighting with over something.

For no other reason than I apparently HAVE to, I take her there.

Its an interesting reunion. Daddy is glad to see the scroll, and I guess also his daughter. While he mentions her betraying mother and "putting her head on a stake."

Awesome. Glad he's not my dad.

This is where the story splits. The Vampire father reveals his true self to me and offers me "the gift." Well apparently my Breton takes too long deciding, cause next thing you know I'm banished, but not killed because he's grateful he got that scroll back, oh yeah and the daughter.

With no other pressing issues, Kharjo and I decide to head back to Fort Dawnguard... where SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN. Vampires are attacking!

Unfortunately for you, we will revisit Dawnguard later... I am so intrigued by "The Gift," I think we will leave the Breton "Krista" and her faithful feline companion.

I'm going to load up Lloth, the dark elf vampire save. YESSSSS.

Well that really ups the resale value. Thank you ass-dragon.

If Kharjo really were able to think at this point, he would probably say something like "So, you wanted to hunt vampires, no? Well why are we sitting here staring at drafting tables?" and I would say "SHUT UP I'M PLANNING!"

This house building thing is easier than I thought. There's a chest full of supplies to get me started. All I gotta do is go to the drafting table, select what I want to do, get the supplies from the chest and go to the carpenter's workbench, and instantly, I have a foundation. Wall supports. Walls. A roof. Yes, I had to make some nails and hinges and a lock, but its all done. Its all there. I turn around and HOLY SHIT I have a house! (Granted, I already have a few in other places, and yes, they're more spectacular than this little cottage, but bitches, I MADE THAT SHIT)

This isn't good enough for me. Kharjo sighs like Baxter does when he is sick of being petted. I figure out how to quarry stone from a nearby rock, mine clay, and start building more. MORE!

If I could purr, I would.

Unfortunately, I've run out of sawn logs. STUPID SAWN LOGS. I had to resort to internet searching to figure out what to do on this one. So I fast travel to a sawmill and start buying lumber. Kharjo is licking himself inappropriately by this point, I'd guess. I buy a bunch of sawn logs from the lumbermill from the mill in Riverwood.

I've got a decent start on my main hall, Kharjo looks like he's considering a return to the traveling Khajit merchants, and I'm looking pretty self-satisfied. Gotta get that main hall built that has bedrooms upstairs... then those adoptable kids will have a place to live. Kharjo looks at me in a way that conveys "If you hire me to be a nanny, I will kill myself with the enchanted ebony sword you have given me."

But kitty, you're so much nicer than J'Zargo. He is a total douche. He'd probably burn the children with spells.

Kharjo is about to get his wish. I go outside to the carpentry workbench, and then I hear it. The roar. The music. God damnit. I just wanted to finish my house, now there's a fucking DRAGON to deal with. 'Ancient dragon' lands directly in front of me like "bitch be building a house, can't you see there's a dragon to deal with here?" Kharjo happily obliges the dragon with a ferocious whomp with his warhammer. So fine. I'll bite. We fight ancient dragon with our warhammers (using Dragonrend shout to keep him grounded; I'm impatient, I have a house to build)

The dragon dies. We loot it. It decimates to a large dragon skeleton... DRAPED ACROSS MY FRONT LAWN. Son of a... that's a great housewarming gift! A giant skeleton to walk around in the front yard! And it's partially blocking the path. Wayward travelers will be walking all over my place. Fucking Hell.

Bandits? No problem.

Kharjo and I run excitedly into Bilegulch mine. Wait. Bilegulch? I am thinking of a gulch full of bile. Interesting. We arrive at the opening to Bilegulch. Kharjo helpfully tells me we have found a cave, but doubts there are warm fires and friendly faces inside. Once entering he tells me something smells foul. Sounds like kitty thinks we have some enemies.

As usual I try to get sneak attack points, and Kharjo runs in there, ebony armor clanking, whipping warhammers around. Kitty, we need to discuss your tactics. The bandits are probably easier than any I've dealt with lately. This is a cake walk. No extremely good loot or anything (At level 45, my loot expectations are pretty high, I'm just a stuck up snobbery bitch who thumbs her nose at Dwarven greatswords that are NOT enchanted. Pshaw)

It was almost too easy. Hell its a mine full of orichalcum, so that's not too bad, maybe I'll make some orcish armor for the kids I will probably end up adopting some day. Kharjo and I take our unremarkable haul back to Falkreath, where the Jarl's steward informs us there are no houses for sale in town, but there is a plot of land available. Fuck yeah, motherfuckers. We gonna build a hizzouse.

Meanwhile Ive noticed a little bit of talk of the Dawnguard when we were in Riften. These fuckers in Falkreath don't talk about anything else, except for the random guard commenting about stolen sweetrolls or complaining about an arrow to the knee. Most of these guards want to join up and hunt vampires. Pretty much everyone has the same opinion on the Vigilantes of Stendarr: They fucked up. Big time. Turns out those fucknuts thought they could just take on whatever immortal creature they could, got in over their heads, and we might be facing eternal darkness for it. ETERNAL. DARKNESS. Which for my level 21 Dark Elf Vampire would be ideal... but we're playing my level 45 Breton, and she's been pretty decent to people, and enjoys the sun-kissed look of her skin when she goes off adventuring or stands too close to a flame cloak.

I take my happy ass up past Pinewatch and find this plot of land. If Kharjo had the AI ability, he would probably ask me, "hey what about all that Dawnguard Vampire nonsense?" But he doesn't and the inner Farmvillian in me takes over, squeals with delight, and wonders "WHAT DO I DO?!"

Hmmm. A table with the Syrim equivalent of blueprints on it... a workbench, a chest. A book on how to build your house... This may be easier than I thought.